‘Everyone gets so much information all day long that they loose there common sense.’

The Chase game show audition – 14th March 2010

Sitting in a random branch of prêt opposite Russell square tube station I suddenly realise exactly what I was about to do. This was nota good day. I had already made several knowledge based mistakes during the day, believing that the nearest tube station to Tate modern was embankment, taking a long way round to embankment because both the circle and district lines were closed and then walking the wrong way to the Tate because obviously the OXO tower is obviously in the opposite direction to the Tate. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. Three fundamental general knowledge wrongs later they were the least of my worries. The correct answer to my first wrong is mansion house, so knowing my from the Tate and realising I probably should head in the general direction of my audition so I could chill out in the afore mentioned prêt and chill out for a bit before I needed to task my brain with the general knowledge quiz I had to undertake as part of the audition process I set off. Wrong again! On my approach to the station the logic part of my brain finally kicked in. No district and circle line today! I had only just found out a few hours ago yet I was obviously unable to recall any knowledge from this brain of mine today no matter how recently it had just been put in. finally my brain was starting to be my friend by eventually letting me recall this information even if it was nearly too late. With Mansion house out of order Blackfriars it was. I started making my way back in the direction I had just come from satisfied with my brains picking of the next closest tube station (a small bit of knowledge I didn’t know I had). Wrong again Blackfriars had been closed ever since I had moved to London and wasn’t due to reopen until late 2010. I wondered why it sounded familiar. Shit.

I found my self wondering around in circles like a lost tourist between the millennium bridge and St Pauls. With my brain set against me today I looked for a map – maybe feeding it some new knowledge would make it happy enough to at least get me to a tube station in one piece. Apparently St Pauls station was the next closest but being unable to retain the directions the map had provided me I decided to follow the street signs instead. This of course led me the long way round in order to get there. This was not a good day.

Finally I get to into the station, the central line was working and I was more or less in one piece. Now which way? ‘Eastbound’ my brain screams at me in frustration ‘your heading eastbound’. Ok, ok I give in heading down the escalator. Wrong again I work out just that little bit too late resulting in me sheepishly turning round and for the second time today going back in the direction I had just come from. What was wrong with me today? Why was I unable to retain or regurgitate any information at all?

So here I was sat in this random sandwich shop waiting to attend this knowledge based quiz show audition when my general knowledge today couldn’t even find my to the audition in the first place.

Now I’m not over exaggerating here when I say that my general knowledge level at the best of times couldn’t rival a 6 year old. Though I do know two verses to ‘how much is that doggy in the window’ and the name of the basketball team from high school musical (wildcats in case your interested) today even this was a struggle to recall. What the fuck was I doing? I needed a plan.

I would dazzle them with my charm and beauty and hope that this would win them over. So while I applied enough make to make a monkey look good I thought about what wonderful and interesting facts I could tell the lovely people at ‘the chase’ in order for them to accept me on there show. My world record attempts were bound to do it. Who needs to be smart when you’re this beautiful and exciting? So with that in mind I trundled off to the audition safe in the knowledge no more make up could make me look any better and that knitting 1000 mice to break a world record would be the best story in the room.

Sat in the room with the 7 other auditionees I soon realised this was not the best idea I had today, which was quite a feat seeing as I had already picked the wrong tube station three times and headed down an escalator the wrong way. I was not getting out of here easily.

The guy facing us stood up and began to explain proceedings. ‘Can I also just remind you that when applying you ticked a little box telling us that you will tell us the truth so there’s no point telling me that you have been on mastermind 3 times and won if you haven’t because we’ll find out.’

Crap, my fake documentation of me being on mastermind I had put in my portfolio wasn’t going to work here. Even if it had fooled Douglas and plenty other people besides.

‘Right, first thing is a 20 question general knowledge quiz. This is recorded so we wont be able to repeat any of the questions, you’ll have 5 seconds to write down each answer.’ The panel informed us.

Shit! 5 seconds! I could scratch my arse in 5 seconds, especially today.

1. In what year did WW1 end?

Crap it had started. Think Lauren, you know this, you did history at A level for gods sake. Ok so I could tell you all about the Weimar republic and hyperinflation which was after WW1 and the start of WW2 but when the hell did the first one end. Right so if…

3. Who won the last Australian open?

What the hell happened to question 2?

This was not going well. Questions 4- 19 continued in the same fashion. And then a magical thing happened…

20. Which character from Sesame Street lived in a trashcan?

Animal! It was definitely animal! I handed back my sheet pleased that I at least had one answer correct. I listen to the game brief and though about what I was going to tell them about myself.
Shit! It wasn’t animal it was Oscar! Bollocks! Too late now. Anyway I was about to dazzle them with how interesting I am. All was still well with the world.

The guy to the right of me went first. His name was Andy for some reason or another he happened to be really bloody interesting as well a stupidly smart. The guy was training for a marathon, was stupidly good looking and had once gambled all of his student loan money on England beating someone or other at football. Needless to say that that was a bet he won. And why would he? He was perfect. In particularly for this show evolving risk taking and general knowledge. I was all out of luck and it was my turn to go.

I batted my eyelids at the interviewer across the room. This was bound to give me points. He looked at me confused. Perhaps he was gay?

‘I’m Lauren ummmm I’m a student at Wimbledon college of art doing a masters in visual language of performance.’

Everyone looked at me in confusion as I tried to explain exactly what this was extremely badly and fuelled with ummmm and arrrhhs. This wasn’t going well. I’ll have to hit them hard with my world record attempts.

‘Anyway… I’m currently trying to break two world records… uummmm one for the longest marathon as a quiz show host…’

A giggle of laughter went round the room. (whoop whoop!)

‘… and the other one for the largest display of knitted mice.’

The confusion set back in. (Fuck)

‘Because they go hand in hand????’ the interviewer laughed.

I was screwed.

“O and I dance.’ I added.

‘Great … and next…’

That couldn’t have been any worse.

Next was the game articulate - the game where you have to describe a word without using the other words on the card. I surprised my self with how good I was at this wiping the floor with the other contestants by getting the most right in 30 second. I was still no use however I had already made a fool out of my self in the general knowledge test and the interview and now all that remained was for me to do the same again in the second knowledge test.

1. What year is on bottles of Kronenbourg beer?

This was stupid I had no idea but I had decided I wasn’t going out without a fight. I was going to have to do what I new best. (Well beside Google and Wikipedia) I would make it up. Put down stupid answers. Well I might as well give them a laugh.

2011 I scrawled down (well its got to go out of date sometime)

Also for your information-

Elvis won the album of the year in this years Grammys.
And my mum built the Clifton suspension bridge.
And in Marley and me Marley was a light bulb (ok so I knew that one but I felt stupid putting the right answer on my sheet full of made-upness)

Fuck it I was leaving now anyway…

‘And the last thing we have for you to do is a re-enactment of the last game.’

Or not…

Luckily or unluckily this involved working as a team to answer as many quick fire questions as possible. If you knew the answer you shouted it out. Simple. You would think this couldn’t go wrong wouldn’t you. I could hind behind the other contestants let them answer and just pipe up with my wisdom when they needed an answer to a question about nursery rhymes and high school musical. But you didn’t have know-it-all Andy in your group. Mr perfect marathon running I take risks that pay off Andy. The Andy that answered every question correct before you even heard the end of the bloody thing. The Andy that answered correctly that Zac Efron was Troy in high school musical before you could even remember that you even watched the film 20 or more times! The fucker.

I didn’t want to be on the show anyway!